Mom
This is one heck of a learning curve for me this week. Mom emailed me today to see if I was all right, because I had seemed stressed when we went up to visit her. In her typical analytical approach to my psychological well-being, she attempted to back up her theory with examples.
I feel liberated today. In the past, I would have taken offense to this. I would have assumed she was trying to manipulate me or was trying to control my feelings somehow by telling me how I felt. But today, I read through the whole email, and picked out only those portions which were actual questions rather than symptoms. I answered the questions first. Then I explained the "symptoms" to her.
The liberating part isn't just that I managed to look at the email rationally and logically, but that I was also able to look at her choice of words as who she is and how she views things, rather than as accusations and manipulation meant to hurt me. Instead of feeling controlled, I felt like like myself. Thus I was able to rationally and truthfully explain to her why I was stressed without worrying about incurring her wrath or disapproval. I knew that no matter what she said to the contrary, she could not argue with how I knew I was feeling, because she's not me.
And just as I was sending her the email, she called me with the same concerns. It amazed me how friendly she sounded and how my feelings remained happy and calm. I know her parenting may have caused part of my negative reactions to things, but I also know she did the best she could and that she's not the same person she was when she was trying to hold our little family together. It's not like she's going to give me "that look" for knowing who I am. Who could? And even if she did, so what?
A very close friend of mine once said that people cannot MAKE you feel anything you don't want to feel.
He was right. It is us ourselves who create our own hells. We may have a lot of help with the construction, but it's still our choice to sit in the middle of the fire.
~nv
I feel liberated today. In the past, I would have taken offense to this. I would have assumed she was trying to manipulate me or was trying to control my feelings somehow by telling me how I felt. But today, I read through the whole email, and picked out only those portions which were actual questions rather than symptoms. I answered the questions first. Then I explained the "symptoms" to her.
The liberating part isn't just that I managed to look at the email rationally and logically, but that I was also able to look at her choice of words as who she is and how she views things, rather than as accusations and manipulation meant to hurt me. Instead of feeling controlled, I felt like like myself. Thus I was able to rationally and truthfully explain to her why I was stressed without worrying about incurring her wrath or disapproval. I knew that no matter what she said to the contrary, she could not argue with how I knew I was feeling, because she's not me.
And just as I was sending her the email, she called me with the same concerns. It amazed me how friendly she sounded and how my feelings remained happy and calm. I know her parenting may have caused part of my negative reactions to things, but I also know she did the best she could and that she's not the same person she was when she was trying to hold our little family together. It's not like she's going to give me "that look" for knowing who I am. Who could? And even if she did, so what?
A very close friend of mine once said that people cannot MAKE you feel anything you don't want to feel.
He was right. It is us ourselves who create our own hells. We may have a lot of help with the construction, but it's still our choice to sit in the middle of the fire.
~nv
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