Drudging up the past
Drudging up the past is not one of my favourite things to do these days, but I think if I write all these thoughts out it will help me to dispel any remaining angst I still harbour towards myself and others due to this particular sequence of events.
A couple years ago, I met this wonderful person at school (who I will call Bill for some reason unbeknownst to me). He and I became friends, and rather close friends at that. Now and then I sensed that he wanted more than friendship, but I was afraid that we'd ruin our friendship so I tried to send kill signals. But as time went on, I began to realize that I loved him more than I wanted to. So I set it in my mind to figure out if he might still feel the same. I suspected it, but wasn't sure if perhaps he'd made up his mind to just be friends, too, out of the same reasons maybe. So it took me a few months to get up my nerve.
One day I finally decided I would tell him within a week or so, when the time was just right. A few nights later it seemed it might be perfect, but we ended up going to see a movie with some friends of his. I got along fine with them, although I felt they were too female for my taste. (I.e., gossipy, that sort of thing. Although one was kind of into computers, she really wasn't that geeky yet.) I also found out one of them was pregnant. Her boyfriend dumped her when he found out. I hate jerks like that. But anyway... the pregnant girl and I ended up alone together and she asked me if Bill and I were going out. I said no. She asked why, because we seemed pretty good together. I said it was kind of complicated, but that I would like to be going out with him and was in love with him but hadn't gotten up my nerve to tell him yet. Then she admitted that she thought he was kind of cute. Warning bells went off in my head but I didn't listen to them. I'd already kind of realized that perhaps I shouldn't have told a complete stranger to me and a friend to Bill that I was in love with him. That was my mistake. I should have told him first, no one else.
Bill dropped me off later that night, then left to drop her off. Apparently that night she told him all I'd said. Some other comments were made and he was left with a rather sudden and completely unexpected choice to make.
A couple months went by, torturous ones. Her and I either tried or pretended to be friends, I still haven't figured out which. She tried to explain her reasons for telling him and I agreed she had her reasons, even if I disagreed with how she was handling the situation. Not that I was doing any better. He tried to explain why he couldn't choose, and I really couldn't understand his point of view because I thought he was in love with me, too, and if he were, the choice shouldn't be difficult considering this other friend of his had only come back from school a few months earlier. Deep inside I knew he and I were not right for each other, but I fought it. It had taken me so long to get to the point of telling him my feelings that I felt I really couldn't just back down based on one pregnant girl's decision to tell him how I felt before I could tell him myself. But even then, I had an inkling that things were happening for a reason. It just didn't feel very reassuring at the time. And to make things worse for me, I had a strong feeling that he and this girl were perfect for each other. Figure THAT one out. Sometimes my feelings and my reasoning/intuition are on such opposite ends of the spectrum that I want to scream. But looking back on things, my brain and gut instincts were very correct. It makes me glad that I'm still working on the feeling piece, because you never know when your feelings are going to be dragged through the mud again.
I ended up dating one of his friends as he started dating her. His friend and I had a lot of problems. I tried to make things work, and I did care for him as a human being. But I never really fell in love with him. I created all sorts of illusions in an attempt to convince myself that perhaps I /could/ fall in love with him. But the guy simply wasn't my soul-type. In addition, I felt put down all the time. He often told me how I was feeling rather than asking how I felt, and I resented that. I won't place blame on him, though. He was reacting to a very correct feeling that I was still in love with someone else. It doesn't mean he had the right to treat me the way he did, but I can certainly understand where he was coming from. And I certainly had all freedom to leave sooner than I did.
Well, I got fed up with the whole "love triangle" and decided I wanted out of everything. Bill and I pretty much lost our friendship for obvious reasons. Not only was his new girlfriend jealous of any time he spent with me, but I wasn't exactly happy with him, either, and it came out in a myriad of ways, some of which apparently hurt some people. Dating his friend wasn't doing any good for anyone involved, least of all his friend and I.
As it turns out, his friend (my boyfriend) had told me I needed counselling and recommended someone. I was so sick of feeling like crap that I decided I'd try his suggestion. There I found a wonderful counsellor who started helping me put myself back together, and with even stronger glue than I had used before. Within a couple of months I said goodbye to the whole mess, left my boyfriend behind, and went to work exploring myself in greater depths than I ever thought possible. I learned a lot and started to figure out who I was for the first time in my life. And I decided that I'd get my license. Despite a lack of instructors in the area, I found one. I got my license. Then I bought my truck.
And while I was doing all this, Yahoo sent me this email warning that I'd have my old personals profile deleted if I didn't "click here." This is how I accidentally met Aflac, the love of my life. Life hasn't been the same since, and I'm very glad for it.
Well, I ran into Bill yesterday, and all these memories came tumbling back one after the other. I felt a bit shaky as we talked because of the past, but things felt good between us for the first time since everything had transpired. I knew I had let things go and put it behind me. It seemed that he had, too. And I told him how hurt I'd felt back then, and he admitted that he could now understand why I said some of the things I said, and I admitted that I wasn't an angel in the whole situation, either. But we agreed that things worked out for the best in the end, because now he was a happy father and boyfriend to the girl, his friend had found his soulmate and was married, and here I am, with Aflac radiating his wondrous luminescence so that it lights up the best parts of my soul.
I started to wonder if his girlfriend and I could ever make it as friends and after some thought, I've realized we probably couldn't, even if given a chance. It's not because of our short history, but because we're not similarly-minded people. There must be something similar because Bill was once attracted to both of us, but for the most part, we're not particularly compatible as friends. I sense that I can tolerate her and even care for her as human, and that's about it. Not much different from when we first met, actually.
Anywho, I don't know if Bill and I will ever get back to where we once were. I'm guessing probably not. But it's nice to know that it felt like perhaps we could. We've missed each other's friendship terribly, and I'd long regretted having entertained thoughts of more with him because of what happened. But I do not regret having found myself or Aflac, so if I had to lose Bill as a friend in order to get to this point in my life, I'm glad it happened. I guess Garth Brooks is right when he says that just because God doesn't answer a prayer, it doesn't mean He don't care. I aim to remember this lesson every time I run across an obstacle that seems overly daunting. Otherwise, I may forget how to fly.
~nv
A couple years ago, I met this wonderful person at school (who I will call Bill for some reason unbeknownst to me). He and I became friends, and rather close friends at that. Now and then I sensed that he wanted more than friendship, but I was afraid that we'd ruin our friendship so I tried to send kill signals. But as time went on, I began to realize that I loved him more than I wanted to. So I set it in my mind to figure out if he might still feel the same. I suspected it, but wasn't sure if perhaps he'd made up his mind to just be friends, too, out of the same reasons maybe. So it took me a few months to get up my nerve.
One day I finally decided I would tell him within a week or so, when the time was just right. A few nights later it seemed it might be perfect, but we ended up going to see a movie with some friends of his. I got along fine with them, although I felt they were too female for my taste. (I.e., gossipy, that sort of thing. Although one was kind of into computers, she really wasn't that geeky yet.) I also found out one of them was pregnant. Her boyfriend dumped her when he found out. I hate jerks like that. But anyway... the pregnant girl and I ended up alone together and she asked me if Bill and I were going out. I said no. She asked why, because we seemed pretty good together. I said it was kind of complicated, but that I would like to be going out with him and was in love with him but hadn't gotten up my nerve to tell him yet. Then she admitted that she thought he was kind of cute. Warning bells went off in my head but I didn't listen to them. I'd already kind of realized that perhaps I shouldn't have told a complete stranger to me and a friend to Bill that I was in love with him. That was my mistake. I should have told him first, no one else.
Bill dropped me off later that night, then left to drop her off. Apparently that night she told him all I'd said. Some other comments were made and he was left with a rather sudden and completely unexpected choice to make.
A couple months went by, torturous ones. Her and I either tried or pretended to be friends, I still haven't figured out which. She tried to explain her reasons for telling him and I agreed she had her reasons, even if I disagreed with how she was handling the situation. Not that I was doing any better. He tried to explain why he couldn't choose, and I really couldn't understand his point of view because I thought he was in love with me, too, and if he were, the choice shouldn't be difficult considering this other friend of his had only come back from school a few months earlier. Deep inside I knew he and I were not right for each other, but I fought it. It had taken me so long to get to the point of telling him my feelings that I felt I really couldn't just back down based on one pregnant girl's decision to tell him how I felt before I could tell him myself. But even then, I had an inkling that things were happening for a reason. It just didn't feel very reassuring at the time. And to make things worse for me, I had a strong feeling that he and this girl were perfect for each other. Figure THAT one out. Sometimes my feelings and my reasoning/intuition are on such opposite ends of the spectrum that I want to scream. But looking back on things, my brain and gut instincts were very correct. It makes me glad that I'm still working on the feeling piece, because you never know when your feelings are going to be dragged through the mud again.
I ended up dating one of his friends as he started dating her. His friend and I had a lot of problems. I tried to make things work, and I did care for him as a human being. But I never really fell in love with him. I created all sorts of illusions in an attempt to convince myself that perhaps I /could/ fall in love with him. But the guy simply wasn't my soul-type. In addition, I felt put down all the time. He often told me how I was feeling rather than asking how I felt, and I resented that. I won't place blame on him, though. He was reacting to a very correct feeling that I was still in love with someone else. It doesn't mean he had the right to treat me the way he did, but I can certainly understand where he was coming from. And I certainly had all freedom to leave sooner than I did.
Well, I got fed up with the whole "love triangle" and decided I wanted out of everything. Bill and I pretty much lost our friendship for obvious reasons. Not only was his new girlfriend jealous of any time he spent with me, but I wasn't exactly happy with him, either, and it came out in a myriad of ways, some of which apparently hurt some people. Dating his friend wasn't doing any good for anyone involved, least of all his friend and I.
As it turns out, his friend (my boyfriend) had told me I needed counselling and recommended someone. I was so sick of feeling like crap that I decided I'd try his suggestion. There I found a wonderful counsellor who started helping me put myself back together, and with even stronger glue than I had used before. Within a couple of months I said goodbye to the whole mess, left my boyfriend behind, and went to work exploring myself in greater depths than I ever thought possible. I learned a lot and started to figure out who I was for the first time in my life. And I decided that I'd get my license. Despite a lack of instructors in the area, I found one. I got my license. Then I bought my truck.
And while I was doing all this, Yahoo sent me this email warning that I'd have my old personals profile deleted if I didn't "click here." This is how I accidentally met Aflac, the love of my life. Life hasn't been the same since, and I'm very glad for it.
Well, I ran into Bill yesterday, and all these memories came tumbling back one after the other. I felt a bit shaky as we talked because of the past, but things felt good between us for the first time since everything had transpired. I knew I had let things go and put it behind me. It seemed that he had, too. And I told him how hurt I'd felt back then, and he admitted that he could now understand why I said some of the things I said, and I admitted that I wasn't an angel in the whole situation, either. But we agreed that things worked out for the best in the end, because now he was a happy father and boyfriend to the girl, his friend had found his soulmate and was married, and here I am, with Aflac radiating his wondrous luminescence so that it lights up the best parts of my soul.
I started to wonder if his girlfriend and I could ever make it as friends and after some thought, I've realized we probably couldn't, even if given a chance. It's not because of our short history, but because we're not similarly-minded people. There must be something similar because Bill was once attracted to both of us, but for the most part, we're not particularly compatible as friends. I sense that I can tolerate her and even care for her as human, and that's about it. Not much different from when we first met, actually.
Anywho, I don't know if Bill and I will ever get back to where we once were. I'm guessing probably not. But it's nice to know that it felt like perhaps we could. We've missed each other's friendship terribly, and I'd long regretted having entertained thoughts of more with him because of what happened. But I do not regret having found myself or Aflac, so if I had to lose Bill as a friend in order to get to this point in my life, I'm glad it happened. I guess Garth Brooks is right when he says that just because God doesn't answer a prayer, it doesn't mean He don't care. I aim to remember this lesson every time I run across an obstacle that seems overly daunting. Otherwise, I may forget how to fly.
~nv
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