Irritable Indecisiveness
About an hour or so ago, I beat my old record on Pod Racer using a ship called the Boles Roor. Clocked in on the training course at 42 seconds (one lap). I've been slicing it down second by second since last night when Aflac and a friend were playing with me. Intense. I just took a long shower trying to calm down my stomach but I still feel nauseous.
Why do we play things that stress us out so much? (Because it's fun?)
I am, incidentally, having one of those days where I can't seem to get anything done. I know others have them, so you may understand what I'm talking about. It's the sort of a day where you wake up happy, realizing that you have a whole day off and to yourself, go off to do something, can't figure it out, get frustrated, keep trying, get more frustrated, scream and curse and storm off to watch tv, continue thinking about it, go back to try again, still can't figure it out, more frustration, *mental block* which makes it even more frustrating because now you *know* you won't figure it out because of the mental block you just built yourself and you REALLY WANTED to get the darned thing done, get angry, wandering around hungry for hours before realizing you're hungry, eat something fast, overdo it, feel sick, watch more tv, look at project, curse again with frustration that never went away from last time, wander around some more contemplating next activity, decide to paint but before you get to where the paints are, you decide to check email instead... then you play a stressful game but beat your score so you feel slightly better despite the nausea that has crept back into your stomach... then check email again... then cry in the shower because you're so angry over feeling stupid for no reason other than you can't figure one tiny itsy freaking stupid thing out yet you can't stop being frustrated... then realize that in the space of ten minutes you've decided to dance, do internet research, open an IM, play with a music program, play keyboard, paint, race some more, practice bouncing a ball on a paddle, and find food but within moments of each one you angrily said screw that, I don't want to! only to then think, but I DO want to and then screw it, no I don't...
I HATE these days... don't get them often but when I do, they're doozies. These are the days I remember Mom telling me to putter. Problem is, I haven't been able to even finish enough of my thoughts TO putter... AND the housework was done yesterday because I was IN a puttering mood to begin with.
UGH!! And to top it all off, Kitty and I have gotten along great for weeks but today when I'm feeling like this, she decides she's lonesome and if I dare to leave my playpen, she's all over me, meowing and clawing and poking and glaring and staring and... ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I think it's PMS. Or maybe it's the overdose on caffeine I had yesterday what with my eight cups of black tea and several wonderfully caffeinated chocolates I had while sipping a mixture of two different Monster drinks that my friend let me try. There's no other explanation I know of as to why today should be any different from yesterday. Financial worries are always there these days, but they're not that bad, just much more restricting than they used to be back when I didn't have Dante (that be my truck - and all his associated costs). It's not like I'm going to debtor's prison or anything because I don't have enough. I have more than a lot of people. My life is pretty damned awesome, actually, and when I'm not feeling like this on occasion, I'm on cloud nine or close to it. So there is no logical cause for these feelings except something inside me, myself, and I. Unfortunately, those are the three people I can NEVER escape from. And while in the shower, I had to laugh despite myself because I somehow envisioned this book called "The Depression Book" which I have somewhere. It mentioned that sometimes you run into depression even when you've overcome it, and sometimes it's best just to give into it because to fight it only gives it energy to drain you more. It's like telling an angry man who's about to hit you that you've been taking naked pictures of his wife's petoobies for the past ten years without anyone's knowledge. Yeah. That might drive anyone over the edge...
So, coming out of the shower earlier, I decided the book might have something there. Thus I'm going to live in the moment and simply wander around as I see fit. If I get nothing in particular done for the rest of the day, so be it. The thing I get done will be ... nothing. I'll have succeeded in getting some exercise by wandering around the house and obliging my wandering interests until they tire themselves out. Then perhaps I'll feel like playing ping pong and will actually push myself into my beloved truck and get my arse to practice on an evening I seldom have available to me.
With that said, I'm off to join the circus. No wait. Screw that...
~nv
Why do we play things that stress us out so much? (Because it's fun?)
I am, incidentally, having one of those days where I can't seem to get anything done. I know others have them, so you may understand what I'm talking about. It's the sort of a day where you wake up happy, realizing that you have a whole day off and to yourself, go off to do something, can't figure it out, get frustrated, keep trying, get more frustrated, scream and curse and storm off to watch tv, continue thinking about it, go back to try again, still can't figure it out, more frustration, *mental block* which makes it even more frustrating because now you *know* you won't figure it out because of the mental block you just built yourself and you REALLY WANTED to get the darned thing done, get angry, wandering around hungry for hours before realizing you're hungry, eat something fast, overdo it, feel sick, watch more tv, look at project, curse again with frustration that never went away from last time, wander around some more contemplating next activity, decide to paint but before you get to where the paints are, you decide to check email instead... then you play a stressful game but beat your score so you feel slightly better despite the nausea that has crept back into your stomach... then check email again... then cry in the shower because you're so angry over feeling stupid for no reason other than you can't figure one tiny itsy freaking stupid thing out yet you can't stop being frustrated... then realize that in the space of ten minutes you've decided to dance, do internet research, open an IM, play with a music program, play keyboard, paint, race some more, practice bouncing a ball on a paddle, and find food but within moments of each one you angrily said screw that, I don't want to! only to then think, but I DO want to and then screw it, no I don't...
I HATE these days... don't get them often but when I do, they're doozies. These are the days I remember Mom telling me to putter. Problem is, I haven't been able to even finish enough of my thoughts TO putter... AND the housework was done yesterday because I was IN a puttering mood to begin with.
UGH!! And to top it all off, Kitty and I have gotten along great for weeks but today when I'm feeling like this, she decides she's lonesome and if I dare to leave my playpen, she's all over me, meowing and clawing and poking and glaring and staring and... ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I think it's PMS. Or maybe it's the overdose on caffeine I had yesterday what with my eight cups of black tea and several wonderfully caffeinated chocolates I had while sipping a mixture of two different Monster drinks that my friend let me try. There's no other explanation I know of as to why today should be any different from yesterday. Financial worries are always there these days, but they're not that bad, just much more restricting than they used to be back when I didn't have Dante (that be my truck - and all his associated costs). It's not like I'm going to debtor's prison or anything because I don't have enough. I have more than a lot of people. My life is pretty damned awesome, actually, and when I'm not feeling like this on occasion, I'm on cloud nine or close to it. So there is no logical cause for these feelings except something inside me, myself, and I. Unfortunately, those are the three people I can NEVER escape from. And while in the shower, I had to laugh despite myself because I somehow envisioned this book called "The Depression Book" which I have somewhere. It mentioned that sometimes you run into depression even when you've overcome it, and sometimes it's best just to give into it because to fight it only gives it energy to drain you more. It's like telling an angry man who's about to hit you that you've been taking naked pictures of his wife's petoobies for the past ten years without anyone's knowledge. Yeah. That might drive anyone over the edge...
So, coming out of the shower earlier, I decided the book might have something there. Thus I'm going to live in the moment and simply wander around as I see fit. If I get nothing in particular done for the rest of the day, so be it. The thing I get done will be ... nothing. I'll have succeeded in getting some exercise by wandering around the house and obliging my wandering interests until they tire themselves out. Then perhaps I'll feel like playing ping pong and will actually push myself into my beloved truck and get my arse to practice on an evening I seldom have available to me.
With that said, I'm off to join the circus. No wait. Screw that...
~nv
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