Ribbit!

This is a frog. Or a toad. I'm really not sure how they figure those things out. Anywho, I've been experiencing an interesting day today... was supposed to have a meeting today and it was cancelled. Thankfully I checked just before I left to find out where it was. Otherwise I would have gone. As it turns out, it's a good thing I was at home today... and that I didn't have to work this afternoon. Our water heater split. Four inches of water in one corner of the cellar; no hot water is what led me to find this problem. Good thing I got hungry... otherwise, I may have simply played on the computer forever and never tried to wash my fingers of chicken grease. The men have come and gone. Crisis over. I'm left here once again with my thoughts.

And I have been thinking a lot. A few days ago, a coworker had her baby, and I got to hold the little creature. It was as if the whole world had stopped. I haven't been able to forget the feeling, and haven't been able to cease wishing I, too, was a mom. Which is ironic considering I've always been the one that doesn't want anything to do with critters that would likely push macaroni and cheese into the air ducts of all my computer fans. Yet that night at work I suddenly started crying and couldn't stop. It was something so deep within me that I can't even begin to describe it. I hadn't cried like that since I released the illusions I once had about someone I wanted to date.

It's possible that with everything else going on my life, I'm just overreacting to hormones. Work is changing again; my job is shifting around some and it's unclear at this time exactly what I'll be doing. Change is inevitable, but I hate the waiting. I can't even look forward to it like I'd like to because I don't even know what I'm looking forward to.

But it's probably deeper than that. Work and holding a baby are hardly traumatizing. See, Aflac and I have never fought about anything and I'm beginning to realize that it's because we don't communicate like we should. We talk, and we can have logical discussions about what we're going to do about this or that. But we don't talk about the more serious issues like marriage, children, things like that. We don't talk about things that bother him, and that bothers me, because I can't understand him better without understanding what's on his mind. He only appears frustrated and upset if I try to press the issue, saying he really has nothing to talk about. Yet some subjects may be raised by him in the first place, only to be set free when I zone in on the real issue at hand or try to question why it's an issue. I don't like to see him upset so I give up and don't push even though I know I'm only helping him ignore whatever caused the issue in the first place. But then, even though I love him and hate to see him hurting inside over anything at all, even if he's normally able to ignore it, it isn't my place to make him fix anything.

I know his stance on marriage and kids right now. The kids part is what has changed within me recently. I was on the fence somewhat. I love Aflac and a huge part of me started wondering what having kids was really like. I began wondering what kind of parents we could be. It's all superfluous of course; I don't want kids before I'm married. Which until recently, I didn't want, either. So when Aflac said he didn't feel pressured to get married and wasn't quite on the fence about kids, but rather, more on the side of NOT wanting any, I accepted that and was OK with it. The marriage part bothered me a little bit, admittedly, but I could think of no logical reason why we needed to get married. I still can't.

But after talking all this over with a friend, I've discovered that the reason this whole baby thing is affecting me so much is because I know I _can't_ talk about it with Aflac. It would raise the marriage question again and I don't want him to feel pushed into that idea. Things ARE good the way they are. I'm pretty happy with the way things are. I guess I just want more. Never satisfied, you know?

I can think of a million reasons why I don't want children. I know (hope) that within the next few days, I'll talk my body into ceasing its endless interruptions into my thoughts. What kind of parents would we be when we can't even talk to each other about being parents? But for now, my body is on a timeline that will be strictly enforced by nature. It's telling me that this time is running out, and that I'm female and should be a mother. With all our sciences, one would think that we'd have more control over our instincts than this. But I guess it's called being human for a reason.

Ah, how I sometimes envy robots with no feelings of their own! I know, however, that without the bad there could be no good. And truthfully, logically, my life is still very good. Despite the mild lack of substance that I sometimes sense between us, Aflac and I are very well-suited to each other, and there is a bond that I know can be strengthened over time. No relationship is 100% perfect. I'd much rather have what we have than be fighting all the time and hating each other, because being upset all the time is what I went through when I lived with my mom. I don't like being upset all the time. It's unpleasant and taxing and very tiring to mind, body and soul.

No, things are good. In the next few days, my hormones will stop fluctuating, and my mood will stabilize so that even holding the darned cat won't remind me of how cute that baby was and how I might never have one of my own.

In the meantime, I just have to cope.

~nv