Man vs. Woman jokes - and some comments

After several relationships, I can honestly say that none of them have been quite like this, nor have any of them truly made me want to think this way. My relationships have been strained at times, but they generally don't last long enough to reach these points because I feel that if a couple can't get along, there's no point in wasting time staying together in a partnership. That said, the following jokes can be quite funny, but in my usual weirdness, I'm going to make some [comments]. (Note also that I'm happy to report my longest relationship is in progress as of this writing, and I'm still very happy with it! We must be doing something right!)

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. [make that tea for me, please.]
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. [Byte magazine, does everything always think of sports?!]
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. [PC AI magazine - so long as she respects computers, she doesn't need to be an executive!]
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. [Photographer magazine thank you, he's certainly talented enough!]
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton. [husband? And if I had one, I'd be a bit afraid if he were on the back of a milk carton. That's reserved for "wanted" criminals, not caught ones.]

WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
[first, I can't imagine my 'husband' refusing to go shopping with me IF I went OUT to shop. I've found most guys I know are eager to visit the local tech shops. Second, IF I were playing such a game and was truly searching for the most evil thing I could do to him, I'd take the cable modem.]

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
[neither can I. Guess I don't understand women either.]

MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor. "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the men, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
[Pillsbury makes flowers? I thought they made those cans of things you pop in the oven for a few minutes so you don't have to cook while learning Visual Basic.]

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, "You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers, because it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she."
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
[Okay, that's just funny. Oh!! The milk carton is for MISSING persons... I'd forgotten that. See "Creation" below.]

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
[hehheh... that sounds like my mom... she's got the sharpest tongue this side of the Mississippi.]

WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men..."
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
[I think I use well over 30,000, especially if this includes emails. I can't help being brought up vertabim! tee hee hee]

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
[Actually, I find a lot of so-called stupid people only seem stupid because they're so smart the little details become a nuisance to remember. Thus someone can ramble off all seven layers of the OSI model in less than five seconds and then spend ten minutes trying to remember the name of the famous fort they'd just seen that day.]

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that; show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"
[I knew there was more to that book than meets the eye... but with all due respect, I hope God doesn't mind if I continue to think that whoever WANTS the coffee first should brew it. If there happens to be more left when the second party wants some, then be NICE and GIVE it to them. I liken this to the toilet seat cover syndrome. Petty. Petty. Petty. Check before you sit. Lift before you pee. Hello? Logic?]

THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
[Not only was that man unprepared for that sort of tactic, but he also should have set the alarm clock himself. If the woman got up before him, he should have had a separate one. Duh. Perhaps he needs to watch more X-Files: Trust no one! To me, the best laid plans are those you execute yourself.]

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
[Depends on the item, really... I think by propagating these sorts of thoughts, we either reverse completely the old "women are chattle" concept and become just like our male oppressors or we cause hatred of the whole women's liberation movement and potentially put ourselves right back where we were - at least, as far as whether women in general are respected by men or not.]

People used to ask me about my opinions on what each person in a relationship should do. I always felt that each person should do as they feel like doing, and no one should dictate to anyone else who should do what. For example, if neither party feels like taking out the trash, then it gets left in the house. Whoever dislikes the stench the most should remove it. Dishes don't need to be done in a timely manner, either. I often tend to use the same dish and utensil over and over myself to conserve on dishes. If someone else wants to dirty every dish in the cupboard and not do them, then they'll just need to wash one every time they use one, just like I do with my one dish and one utensil. If the dishes cover up the counter and I need room but don't wish to do the dishes first, I'll just stuff them in a box and set it aside. (This has yet to happen in my household, but it's my plan in case it does.) See, there are ways around things like that. Problems only occur when only one party cares what the place looks like. In these situations, decency should exist of course, and the messier party needs to try honouring the neat freak by attempting some form of mess control. However, neat freaks are not the only people in the house and also need to honour their messy counterpart by not insisting everything be perfect. You enter into a relationship, there will be gives and takes. Get over it. So long as both people respect, listen, and work with each other, the games above are completely assinine. Heck, they're assinine anyway.

My two cents. I hope I don't eat those words. Ever.

~nv