Stepping Stones
I've been chatting with various people lately and once more am dumbfounded by how things work in life. Everything is a stepping stone to something else in the future, and everything in life, even and perhaps especially the negative things.
Looking back on my short life so far, a lot of it actually kinda stunk. I didn't know it to be so bad at the time, but I knew it wasn't great, either. Still, despite everything negative in my past, it's helped to shape who I am today. Who I am means a very positive, upbeat, honest, intelligent, independent, thoughtful, resourceful young woman with a good head on her shoulders and a love for new and interesting things.
CAPD (central auditory processing disorder) probably helped to make me a booklearner. It also made me realize just how much I have to know in order to make sense of what people say every day of my life. Though I didn't know it at the time, it was probably the root of my love for writing and self-expression because I had so much trouble expressing myself and understanding people early on. Now I have an outlet (writing) for expressing myself, and have found that many people find happiness in reading what I have to say, so in a way I'm contributing something to others just because I want to say something. That's pretty neat!
Feeling abandoned turned me toward God for comfort and computers for company. As a result I've kept my Faith alive my whole life (except those two or three seconds when I was in a scientifically-questioning moment). Hiding behind monitors, I've met lots of people, shared information, learned I'm not the only one in the world with problems, and all the while I learned my trade without even trying to. Now I work in the field and get to help people with their computer issues. If it were not for computers, I wouldn't have met Ducky in the manner that I did. And since I had to fend for myself emotionally for years, I learned to be more self-reliant and that I can depend on myself and only myself for my own happiness. Aside from God, I am the only being who will always be there with me until the end.
Not remembering much about my father may be a good thing since he was an alcoholic anyway. I still wish I could have known him longer but everything seems to work out for the best so it's OK that I didn't.
Growing up poor taught me to value what I've got. It also taught me how to be frugal and make the most of nothing.
Growing up with a lonely single mother who depended on me as a sounding board for her worries and philosophical thoughts taught me how people think, piqued my own ideas on the universe, and made me a better listener.
Watching my friends in the big city do drugs and drink taught me that I don't want to depend on substances because they really don't seem to make people as happy as those people say they do. I also didn't want to steal or lie to be "happy."
Having a mom who let me drink alcohol, but told me matter-of-factly to be careful with it because alcoholism runs on both sides of the family, that taught me caution. Seeing my uncle's alcoholism explained why I didn't want to be an alcoholic myself. So I seldom drink, and get to enjoy more of "real" life.
Because Mom depended on me financially for a long time, I learned how to better handle my money so I could still enjoy working for a living. It also taught me that I enjoy financial independence.
I also learned that money cannot buy love.
Past relationships have taught me what I DON'T want in a good one, and helped shape my vision of who I want to be with, if anyone at all, when I finally figured out who I am.
I'm glad it took me so long to get a drivers' license, because now I really appreciate the freedom I've obtained by getting one. It's also probably a lot less likely for me to kill myself in one because now I'm more responsible and less afraid to drive (fear interferes with emergency thinking). I also wanted a Trans Am as my first vehicle. However, by the time I got my license, I'd learned that they're not exactly practical vehicles. Now I'm the proud owner of a truck instead, and can't imagine not having a bed to climb up into or flip-down back seats to store stuff in!
I've learned that despite my tendencies to give people the benefit of the doubt, my gut instincts about people are almost always accurate and should not be wholly ignored.
Feeling screwed up for so long pushed me toward a counsellor, who helped me realize that I'm perfectly fine the way that I am and don't have to worry about what other people think about me. If I want to change me, it's for myself and no one else. I'm a bright, caring young lady who is strong enough to have gotten through a rotten beginning and my only real purpose in life is to be myself and keep learning how to better myself so I can be happy.
From my experiences of being both happy and sad, I've learned that happiness can be taken one of two ways by the majority of people I know. Negative people don't like it very much and often try to take it away. Positive people are attracted to more of it and encourage it. I've also found out that it's very easy to maintain happiness with a little bit of obstinance, just as easy to fall back into despair and very hard to find happiness in the first place because we always miss what's right in front of us.
After finding myself to be a whole person capable loving myself and accomplishing anything I truly want, I found out that once you no longer need someone to love you, that's when they appear.
Meeting Ducky has shown me that we're BOTH lucky we found each other. I also know that despite the feelings we share between us, we're still two separate individuals who are capable of being alone but who prefer the other's company. Together we're two awesome people with strengths that shine even brighter together than when glimmering alone.
Looking back on my short life so far, a lot of it actually kinda stunk. I didn't know it to be so bad at the time, but I knew it wasn't great, either. Still, despite everything negative in my past, it's helped to shape who I am today. Who I am means a very positive, upbeat, honest, intelligent, independent, thoughtful, resourceful young woman with a good head on her shoulders and a love for new and interesting things.
CAPD (central auditory processing disorder) probably helped to make me a booklearner. It also made me realize just how much I have to know in order to make sense of what people say every day of my life. Though I didn't know it at the time, it was probably the root of my love for writing and self-expression because I had so much trouble expressing myself and understanding people early on. Now I have an outlet (writing) for expressing myself, and have found that many people find happiness in reading what I have to say, so in a way I'm contributing something to others just because I want to say something. That's pretty neat!
Feeling abandoned turned me toward God for comfort and computers for company. As a result I've kept my Faith alive my whole life (except those two or three seconds when I was in a scientifically-questioning moment). Hiding behind monitors, I've met lots of people, shared information, learned I'm not the only one in the world with problems, and all the while I learned my trade without even trying to. Now I work in the field and get to help people with their computer issues. If it were not for computers, I wouldn't have met Ducky in the manner that I did. And since I had to fend for myself emotionally for years, I learned to be more self-reliant and that I can depend on myself and only myself for my own happiness. Aside from God, I am the only being who will always be there with me until the end.
Not remembering much about my father may be a good thing since he was an alcoholic anyway. I still wish I could have known him longer but everything seems to work out for the best so it's OK that I didn't.
Growing up poor taught me to value what I've got. It also taught me how to be frugal and make the most of nothing.
Growing up with a lonely single mother who depended on me as a sounding board for her worries and philosophical thoughts taught me how people think, piqued my own ideas on the universe, and made me a better listener.
Watching my friends in the big city do drugs and drink taught me that I don't want to depend on substances because they really don't seem to make people as happy as those people say they do. I also didn't want to steal or lie to be "happy."
Having a mom who let me drink alcohol, but told me matter-of-factly to be careful with it because alcoholism runs on both sides of the family, that taught me caution. Seeing my uncle's alcoholism explained why I didn't want to be an alcoholic myself. So I seldom drink, and get to enjoy more of "real" life.
Because Mom depended on me financially for a long time, I learned how to better handle my money so I could still enjoy working for a living. It also taught me that I enjoy financial independence.
I also learned that money cannot buy love.
Past relationships have taught me what I DON'T want in a good one, and helped shape my vision of who I want to be with, if anyone at all, when I finally figured out who I am.
I'm glad it took me so long to get a drivers' license, because now I really appreciate the freedom I've obtained by getting one. It's also probably a lot less likely for me to kill myself in one because now I'm more responsible and less afraid to drive (fear interferes with emergency thinking). I also wanted a Trans Am as my first vehicle. However, by the time I got my license, I'd learned that they're not exactly practical vehicles. Now I'm the proud owner of a truck instead, and can't imagine not having a bed to climb up into or flip-down back seats to store stuff in!
I've learned that despite my tendencies to give people the benefit of the doubt, my gut instincts about people are almost always accurate and should not be wholly ignored.
Feeling screwed up for so long pushed me toward a counsellor, who helped me realize that I'm perfectly fine the way that I am and don't have to worry about what other people think about me. If I want to change me, it's for myself and no one else. I'm a bright, caring young lady who is strong enough to have gotten through a rotten beginning and my only real purpose in life is to be myself and keep learning how to better myself so I can be happy.
From my experiences of being both happy and sad, I've learned that happiness can be taken one of two ways by the majority of people I know. Negative people don't like it very much and often try to take it away. Positive people are attracted to more of it and encourage it. I've also found out that it's very easy to maintain happiness with a little bit of obstinance, just as easy to fall back into despair and very hard to find happiness in the first place because we always miss what's right in front of us.
After finding myself to be a whole person capable loving myself and accomplishing anything I truly want, I found out that once you no longer need someone to love you, that's when they appear.
Meeting Ducky has shown me that we're BOTH lucky we found each other. I also know that despite the feelings we share between us, we're still two separate individuals who are capable of being alone but who prefer the other's company. Together we're two awesome people with strengths that shine even brighter together than when glimmering alone.
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