Avoiding games and becoming oneself to boot
Family and people in general are interesting concepts. I was asked about a month ago if one of my cousins could stay over for a couple of days while attending a craft show near here. She's from another state. I talked it over with Ducky whom would of course also be affected by her staying here. We were both OK with it so I said yes.
Just two days before her scheduled arrival she asked if she could bring her granddaughter. Now, I have little against kids these days, but having a six year old running around our place which is full of breakable things is simply not in my book of fun. I brought this to Ducky and told him my concerns, and he agreed it wasn't a very good idea. So I told my cousin that wouldn't do it for us.
She wrote back and said she'd already told her granddaughter she could go, so they'd just have to sleep in her truck. I offered the names and numbers of local hotels but warned they may be booked due to the season. She replied that she'd try to find a way out of bringing the granddaughter.
Now, I don't have much experience with most of my family, but I do know one thing. It's NOT a good idea to go telling a kid something like that when you have no control over whether you can pull through or not. It causes much resentment on the kid's part and could potentially teach that promises are worthless and only given out of convenience.
For a few brief moments I worried that perhaps she'll be angry at me. After all, I've stayed at her place a few times when visiting that area. But reasoned out, there's nothing for her to be angry about as far as my decision goes despite the favours she has granted me. I was up front about my plans and did not change them. She asked if she herself could stay over, I said yes, then at the last minute she decided to try forcing a kid on us, appears to have attempted a touch of guilt (evident in her choice of words), and now that the whole thing didn't work changed things to seem that perhaps she can get out of things with the kid anyway. So I hope she realizes all this and does not sport an attitude should she end up here after all. It will be cold and rainy outside tonight...
I also pat myself on the back here, because in the past I may have gone along with the game and allowed the child to ruin things in the house "because they're my family." It took courage to say no to that and then stand by my words. It took even more courage to resist being angry and instead try to offer help when I felt almost manipulated. There is strength in learning to feel, express, understand, and control one's emotions, and I know this because it is so difficult to do regularly. In the past I did not acknowledge enough of my feelings and they became repressed. Now I allow them to surface but also /deal/ with them as they do so. The greatest challenge is learning how to deal with them quickly and efficiently so they don't negatively affect my relationships with people, and yet avoid repressing them again. And, as I practice all this, it becomes slightly easier each time. As if I'm building muscles that were formally unused.
So lucky am I to have Ducky in my life, too - he's someone who does not appear to play any of the more sinister games and he refuses to participate in most or all of mine. The refusal to play has led me several times to turn inward and figure out why I react certain ways and how to look at things differently, how to grow up for lack of a better word. He is a very happy, optimistic person and his wonderfully childlike yet very responsible personality is very much rubbing me the right way. It makes me glad not just to know him and be so close to him, but also to know that I must be doing something right to be attracting such a person at this point in my life. At times I wonder if he's "better" than I am, but I know this is silly even as I think it. We are simply from different backgrounds. He was lucky to have somehow gleaned his outlook earlier than I have and seems to have steadfastly held onto it. He admits he didn't have the emotional and financial issues I had growing up. But where he lacks the experiences I have had, he also lacks the complete understanding of them. I know that having lived the experiences he can only empathize with has built me into the strong person I am today, capable of understanding others and occasionally helping them through what I'm all too familiar with. So it isn't that he's better than me, he simply offers a different type of knowledge which arose from his own separate life. And this realization is what enables me to be myself and grow rather than try to force myself into his image or anyone else's.
When someone says, "I want to be just like him when I grow up," I think they really mean that they wish to select certain traits and add them to their own traits. I suppose some can be worked toward and added, and others require part of a life to obtain. Then there are some traits which may have unwanted side effects.
Yes, definitely best to become oneself and not worry so much about what other people are becoming.
Just two days before her scheduled arrival she asked if she could bring her granddaughter. Now, I have little against kids these days, but having a six year old running around our place which is full of breakable things is simply not in my book of fun. I brought this to Ducky and told him my concerns, and he agreed it wasn't a very good idea. So I told my cousin that wouldn't do it for us.
She wrote back and said she'd already told her granddaughter she could go, so they'd just have to sleep in her truck. I offered the names and numbers of local hotels but warned they may be booked due to the season. She replied that she'd try to find a way out of bringing the granddaughter.
Now, I don't have much experience with most of my family, but I do know one thing. It's NOT a good idea to go telling a kid something like that when you have no control over whether you can pull through or not. It causes much resentment on the kid's part and could potentially teach that promises are worthless and only given out of convenience.
For a few brief moments I worried that perhaps she'll be angry at me. After all, I've stayed at her place a few times when visiting that area. But reasoned out, there's nothing for her to be angry about as far as my decision goes despite the favours she has granted me. I was up front about my plans and did not change them. She asked if she herself could stay over, I said yes, then at the last minute she decided to try forcing a kid on us, appears to have attempted a touch of guilt (evident in her choice of words), and now that the whole thing didn't work changed things to seem that perhaps she can get out of things with the kid anyway. So I hope she realizes all this and does not sport an attitude should she end up here after all. It will be cold and rainy outside tonight...
I also pat myself on the back here, because in the past I may have gone along with the game and allowed the child to ruin things in the house "because they're my family." It took courage to say no to that and then stand by my words. It took even more courage to resist being angry and instead try to offer help when I felt almost manipulated. There is strength in learning to feel, express, understand, and control one's emotions, and I know this because it is so difficult to do regularly. In the past I did not acknowledge enough of my feelings and they became repressed. Now I allow them to surface but also /deal/ with them as they do so. The greatest challenge is learning how to deal with them quickly and efficiently so they don't negatively affect my relationships with people, and yet avoid repressing them again. And, as I practice all this, it becomes slightly easier each time. As if I'm building muscles that were formally unused.
So lucky am I to have Ducky in my life, too - he's someone who does not appear to play any of the more sinister games and he refuses to participate in most or all of mine. The refusal to play has led me several times to turn inward and figure out why I react certain ways and how to look at things differently, how to grow up for lack of a better word. He is a very happy, optimistic person and his wonderfully childlike yet very responsible personality is very much rubbing me the right way. It makes me glad not just to know him and be so close to him, but also to know that I must be doing something right to be attracting such a person at this point in my life. At times I wonder if he's "better" than I am, but I know this is silly even as I think it. We are simply from different backgrounds. He was lucky to have somehow gleaned his outlook earlier than I have and seems to have steadfastly held onto it. He admits he didn't have the emotional and financial issues I had growing up. But where he lacks the experiences I have had, he also lacks the complete understanding of them. I know that having lived the experiences he can only empathize with has built me into the strong person I am today, capable of understanding others and occasionally helping them through what I'm all too familiar with. So it isn't that he's better than me, he simply offers a different type of knowledge which arose from his own separate life. And this realization is what enables me to be myself and grow rather than try to force myself into his image or anyone else's.
When someone says, "I want to be just like him when I grow up," I think they really mean that they wish to select certain traits and add them to their own traits. I suppose some can be worked toward and added, and others require part of a life to obtain. Then there are some traits which may have unwanted side effects.
Yes, definitely best to become oneself and not worry so much about what other people are becoming.
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