Stepping Stones

I've been chatting with various people lately and once more am dumbfounded by how things work in life. Everything is a stepping stone to something else in the future, and everything in life, even and perhaps especially the negative things.

Looking back on my short life so far, a lot of it actually kinda stunk. I didn't know it to be so bad at the time, but I knew it wasn't great, either. Still, despite everything negative in my past, it's helped to shape who I am today. Who I am means a very positive, upbeat, honest, intelligent, independent, thoughtful, resourceful young woman with a good head on her shoulders and a love for new and interesting things.

CAPD (central auditory processing disorder) probably helped to make me a booklearner. It also made me realize just how much I have to know in order to make sense of what people say every day of my life. Though I didn't know it at the time, it was probably the root of my love for writing and self-expression because I had so much trouble expressing myself and understanding people early on. Now I have an outlet (writing) for expressing myself, and have found that many people find happiness in reading what I have to say, so in a way I'm contributing something to others just because I want to say something. That's pretty neat!

Feeling abandoned turned me toward God for comfort and computers for company. As a result I've kept my Faith alive my whole life (except those two or three seconds when I was in a scientifically-questioning moment). Hiding behind monitors, I've met lots of people, shared information, learned I'm not the only one in the world with problems, and all the while I learned my trade without even trying to. Now I work in the field and get to help people with their computer issues. If it were not for computers, I wouldn't have met Ducky in the manner that I did. And since I had to fend for myself emotionally for years, I learned to be more self-reliant and that I can depend on myself and only myself for my own happiness. Aside from God, I am the only being who will always be there with me until the end.

Not remembering much about my father may be a good thing since he was an alcoholic anyway. I still wish I could have known him longer but everything seems to work out for the best so it's OK that I didn't.

Growing up poor taught me to value what I've got. It also taught me how to be frugal and make the most of nothing.

Growing up with a lonely single mother who depended on me as a sounding board for her worries and philosophical thoughts taught me how people think, piqued my own ideas on the universe, and made me a better listener.

Watching my friends in the big city do drugs and drink taught me that I don't want to depend on substances because they really don't seem to make people as happy as those people say they do. I also didn't want to steal or lie to be "happy."

Having a mom who let me drink alcohol, but told me matter-of-factly to be careful with it because alcoholism runs on both sides of the family, that taught me caution. Seeing my uncle's alcoholism explained why I didn't want to be an alcoholic myself. So I seldom drink, and get to enjoy more of "real" life.

Because Mom depended on me financially for a long time, I learned how to better handle my money so I could still enjoy working for a living. It also taught me that I enjoy financial independence.

I also learned that money cannot buy love.

Past relationships have taught me what I DON'T want in a good one, and helped shape my vision of who I want to be with, if anyone at all, when I finally figured out who I am.

I'm glad it took me so long to get a drivers' license, because now I really appreciate the freedom I've obtained by getting one. It's also probably a lot less likely for me to kill myself in one because now I'm more responsible and less afraid to drive (fear interferes with emergency thinking). I also wanted a Trans Am as my first vehicle. However, by the time I got my license, I'd learned that they're not exactly practical vehicles. Now I'm the proud owner of a truck instead, and can't imagine not having a bed to climb up into or flip-down back seats to store stuff in!

I've learned that despite my tendencies to give people the benefit of the doubt, my gut instincts about people are almost always accurate and should not be wholly ignored.

Feeling screwed up for so long pushed me toward a counsellor, who helped me realize that I'm perfectly fine the way that I am and don't have to worry about what other people think about me. If I want to change me, it's for myself and no one else. I'm a bright, caring young lady who is strong enough to have gotten through a rotten beginning and my only real purpose in life is to be myself and keep learning how to better myself so I can be happy.

From my experiences of being both happy and sad, I've learned that happiness can be taken one of two ways by the majority of people I know. Negative people don't like it very much and often try to take it away. Positive people are attracted to more of it and encourage it. I've also found out that it's very easy to maintain happiness with a little bit of obstinance, just as easy to fall back into despair and very hard to find happiness in the first place because we always miss what's right in front of us.

After finding myself to be a whole person capable loving myself and accomplishing anything I truly want, I found out that once you no longer need someone to love you, that's when they appear.

Meeting Ducky has shown me that we're BOTH lucky we found each other. I also know that despite the feelings we share between us, we're still two separate individuals who are capable of being alone but who prefer the other's company. Together we're two awesome people with strengths that shine even brighter together than when glimmering alone.

I'M A CHIPMUNK!!!

This might gross some people out but I assure you that it's nothing worrisome despite my earlier worries about it. LOL Anywho, for the last three weeks I kept feeling some weird catchy thing scratch the back of my tongue on the left side of the oto-pharynx. I finally looked in the mirror about two weeks ago and saw a little patch of white just behind the palatoglossal fold. I could only view it if I moved my tongue around to manipulate the area into different positions. With my finger, I attempted to feel it, and it felt like my nail could easily catch on it. I thought perhaps it was a canker sore and left it alone so as not to irritate it further.

One week later I decided the "canker sore" should have gone away so I looked in the mirror again. I still saw the whitish spot but it seemed different somehow. I took a flashlight and really looked and it appeared more like mold or something than a canker sore. With the help of the flashlight this time, I pulled the palatoglossal fold forward a bit so I could see better. As I pulled, the white spot revealed itself to be a somewhat sizable mass, and only a small portion of it had been originally showing itself.

At first it reminded me of pictures of cancer I've seen online, but there was something very odd about this one. Nonetheless I almost had a heart attack as I kept pulling to reveal more and more of it. Then I realized that it was separating from the fold! I pushed down a bit and the mass popped right out onto my tongue. I pushed it forward and pulled it out and saved it. It stunk something horrible (filled the whole room with pungent ickiness), and I figured it was food that somehow got pushed in there long enough to rot. Probably quite a while, actually. And less than five days later the thing has gone from at least dime-sized to the size of a letter on my keyboard. Talk about shrinkage!

Further examination of the fold revealed a hole in the tonsil area. There was a bit more buildup, some of which I also managed to extract, but I continued to worry because I don't have this thing on the other side and I couldn't imagine something like this existing properly where food could get CAUGHT and ROT like that.

What IS that, and where did it come from? I wondered. I was due for a physical anyway and had already called the doctor to set it up because I was slightly worried about the "canker sore" and figured they'd clear up that worry real quick. But I was becoming more and more eager to get this explained to me.

Well, the appointment went fine. The holey thing is nothing to worry about. Not everyone has them, but one of the nurses said her daughter has the same thing and they were told that it's simply a much-larger-than-usual pocket around the tonsils and/or adenoids. I asked if I should clean it. She said no because even if food gets trapped up there and rots it won't hurt anything in there because of where it is. The only time it'll ever become an issue is when it builds up and sticks out like it did the past few weeks, in which case then cleaning might be warranted so I did an okay thing by removing it like I did. They laughed when I told them I nearly had a heart attack when I saw the size of the compacted food that fell out, though. Said it must have been pretty scary for a few seconds there. I said, "Yeah, scary doesn't quite cover it. I thought it was a tumour or something!!"

The PA did look in my mouth to make sure and said "Yep, just an oversized hole." So I'm VERY much relieved. She said tonsils and adenoids are very porous and do indeed have lots of nooks and crannies that can sometimes be that big. Leave it to me to have these somewhat abnormal things, though, huh?

I also asked to be tested for HIV, cholesterol, cbc, hepatitis, syphilis, herpes, and anything else that's out there that she could think of that would also be covered by my insurance. I've not had any lab work since I was a kid and I'd like to know for certain EVERYthing is ok because I do occasionally get fatigued and feel weird and even though it's probably hormones and life and such, I want to make sure it's nothing chemically wrong. So I got paperwork to bring to the lab and then I get to get stuck with a needle. I actually detest needles (especially blood-drawing ones because they stay there so long) but it's the lesser of the two evils - peace of mind over 'no, get that long metal tube aWAY from my veins, thank YOU!'

Funny, though... every time I think I have some problem and go to the doctor's, it's always something weird that few people have but that is fine TO have. Five years ago I had the Meckels Diverticulum that died and it had to be removed (they stole my appendix too, those THIEVFESSS!!!) - a Meckels Diverticulum hits maybe 4% of the American population. It's a little pouch off the small intestine that often has stomach acid in it (mine didn't, which is why it wasn't detected for so long). If it doesn't die you can keep it 'til you do, but mine got upset over something and decided to end its sad and short little life so I guess I go to the grave without it now. Hm. Maybe I was a chipmunk in one life and a cow in the other. Extra mini-stomach so I can eat my cud and a cheek pouch to store my food in. Besides, when I had my wisdom teeth out, I /did/ look like a chipmunk for a few days there. So now I've had at least three "throwback appendages" out - wisdom teeth, appendix, and a meckel's diverticulum. They obviously can't remove a hole. Will they want my sclera next? Or how about my shark teeth (I've got a tooth almost on my palate, double rows of teeth have existed in my family before)??

Oh, zheezh though, knowing my luck I'll go back in two weeks for test results and they'll say, "Well, you're not anaemic, your cholesterol's still too low (and how you do that we don't know) and you don't have any diseases whatsoever that are known to Man. However, we did find these weird little metal chips floating around in your bloodstream. We put one under the microscope and it looked like a miniature robot... then it attacked a white blood cell that was trying to eat up a staphyllococcus germ. The germ tried to escape but the miniature robot took out a miniature hammer and obliterated it before extracting what appeared to be carbon atoms and storing them in little metal cheek pouches. We were so dumbstruck by this that we kept staring for several minutes. That's when we saw it regurgitate the carbon atoms and chew them up and then swallow them. You don't want to know what the droppings looked like the next day. So... is there something you'd like to tell us?"

Uh, no, doctor... just that, well, until recently I would eat, breathe and sleep computers... maybe I inhaled a few babies? I've got 11 adult systems you know, they're bound to mate sometime...

DRIPPING TIME

2005081471

Every moment that we spend together
Feels as if it should last forever
Every rising of the sun
Shines on the roads that I have run

But time passes by so very quickly
The days fly by like sand in sieves
This time that we have spent together
Is water dripping from the leaves

I see your face, you're in my sight
The window pane reflects our light
A love so strong as ours has been
Could never leave the world unseen

But time passes by so very quickly
The months fly by like sand in sieves
This time that we will spend together
Is water forming on the leaves

But if we're dripping into time
I'll be the droplet joining you
Reflecting sunlight on the leaves
The years fly by like sand in sieves

Torture

For some inexplicable reason I found myself reading the news earlier. It was in regards to terrorism and England's deportation of radical clerics. Apparently when they want to deport someone from their country, they have to ensure that they are being shipped off to a country that will not torture or mistreat them in any way. It mentioned how some places pull toenails out!

My question to ANYone in the world is, HOW can ANYone pull another human being's toenails out? Like, ever? How can anyone lose enough of their own humanity and sensitivity so as to inflict that sort of pain on someone? I don't doubt it happens. I don't dispute that there are still facilities and governments who rely on torture even in its many other incarnations to get information from someone or to warn others or to even simply be mean. But I do not understand what caused the whole idea in the first place. Was it an accident, someone got a toenail caught in a blender somewhere and someone heard them cry and liked it, and then repeated the incident themselves on that person to hear them cry again? Is it a feeling of control, one derived from the misplaced idea that forcing someone into compliance is hardly as gratifying, rewarding, or beneficial as actually being NICE for once and earning their fellowship or trust?

Perhaps there is no really definite answer. I'd like to think that neglect and abuse as a child can cause someone to grow up trying to get attention via gross acts. I remember as a child abusing my cats and pulling wings off flies. I'm certainly not proud of it and feel horrible that I ever did it. But I was a CHILD. I grew OUT of that. What's with all the adults, who have so much more power than I did, who think they need more? Are they huge empty vessels full of dark light, like a black hole, just consuming as much as they can as fast as they can, and hurting others to remind themselves that they exist? If someone can say of you, "You're a horribly mean, torturous person," does that indicate that you're any more powerful than someone whom everyone likes? Is this the only kind of attention that these torturous individuals have known? Or are they so removed from humanity in their minds that they don't see anyone else as human either and can't believe they really suffer?

My heart goes out to anyone in the world who suffers torture, whether it be political, enslaving, domestic, societal, or just plain circumstance.

Ducky occasionally asks me, "How can people fight like that? Don't they love each other?" He speaks of his neighbours. I have no answer for him. Our own relationship seems to be the opposite of what we hear happening next door and in the world. Not all of my relationships have been so wonderful, but none of them lasted as long either. So I feel his question is quite valid. Why do those people stay in each other's company if they dislike each other enough to fight every other day? What's the point? The only thing I can come up with is that they don't know anything else. I didn't. When I was growing up I saw thievery, lies, deceit, manipulation, violence, drugs, sex, rape, shootings, threats, swearing, cussing, screaming, murder. I thought the "perfect families" I saw on tv were just hopeful views of what life MIGHT be like - on another planet.

My problem with my own potential answer, however, is that despite the stuff I grew up in, I never touched drugs, I was never a particularly violent person, I don't go around raping people (women CAN rape men by the way), and I don't steal and scream at people. I don't go jumping on little old ladies in the parking lot just because they have a purse with two bucks in it. And, when I find happiness in other people, I don't seek to take it AWAY FROM THEM!! I know so many negative people who hate happiness in others. I understand the feeling, too, but why take it away from someone? If I'm in pain, I only want empathy, not to drag everyone down into my misery. What makes someone feel differently?

Perhaps I do not want to understand. Perhaps understanding would mean that I went through more negativity than I actually did and it would have been just enough to make me the very person whose thoughts and desires I cannot even fathom. Perhaps understanding would mean that I'm not human any more and am incapable of locating any sense of sanity.

Some people have told me I need to read more news and stay updated with current events because they're important and affect me in some distant way. They say I should be happy I live in America where such things do not happen [as often]. I think that maybe I should stay away from the news because it's upsetting and I'd rather spread happiness than fear. And I think that despite all the awesome freedoms I admit to having, no country is as pristine and perfect as people here make this one out to be. We [America] had slavery. We had concentration camps. We still have crime and lots of it. If this place was so perfect, why then is all the crime still here? Why is it that so many of our people are still homeless and hungry and scared both day and night? Why is there still domestic violence? Why do we suddenly turn on our neighbours when someone screams terrorism?

Maybe we're not as free as we think. Maybe we're just living on borrowed time. Maybe instead of being scared we need to truly appreciate every moment of every day that we're not being tortured, yelled at and manipulated, because we just never know when some insane person will beat down our doors, pull our toenails out, and whisper sweet threats into our ears.

Steak v.s. TV Dinner

Dear Blog:

It just hit me that eating a tv dinner is actually /cheaper/ (as well as easier) than making my usual steak, veggies and potatoes.

I normally spend $5-6 on a piece of steak. This is enough for two nights as I'm little and am usually cooking only for myself. So then I have a bag of corn which can last quite some time, maybe a baked sweet potato for oh, 50 cents or so if that, not really sure how much they are. Add to that a side of bread, like a roll or something, maybe another 10-20 cents.

The steak, by itself, would cost approximately $3 per meal. This here pot roast tv dinner I just got was $2 and you plop it in the oven for a mere 23 minutes. That's already a buck a night savings and that doesn't even account for the veggies, potatoes and bread. The steak dinner I normally make doesn't take more 'n 23 minutes (save for the occasional baked sweet potato) but the dirty pans and plates make it more than desirable to simply cook right in a disposable plastic tray.

I still don't understand why things can cook in the oven in a plastic tray, but they seem to have done something to make that ok.

Anywho, my dinner is almost done now. Ah, here it is! The tray is slightly warped, but... well, I guess they still need to work on that a bit. Hopefully the plastic carcinogens haven't leaked into my food too much. Let's just remove this film cover now... ahhh... the aroma of pot... roast? Wait a second! This doesn't exactly smell like pot roast! I'll try some. It's gotta taste better than it looks!

*tastes*

Um, yeah, well, given the quantity of... um... "food" they give you, perhaps the steak is a bit of a better deal... this here Candian White bread I just got from the kitchen is pretty good, though. Just dunk it in a little of this monosodium glutamate sauce the tv dinner peoples include with the round pot-roast-cardboard slices and we'll be in business!!

Note that the corn is actually pretty good...

Sticking to Steak,

~me.

Truck writing from 2003

I'd forgotten about this... and didn't realize I'd been [seriously] considering a truck since as far back as 2003!! Guess when an idea's good, and you can't seem to get a license, the idea survives anyway... (Past self, meet Dante. See? You can put computers in there... and how passengers have you actually HAD in four months?!)

42003042810 - 11:59pm
Perhaps a truck isn't such a great idea. I mean, it wouldn't hold as many computers safely. Unless... I could cram them in the passenger seat. No, because then where would I put my passengers when I had them? I mean, think about it:

ME: Help me with this computer, will you?
PASSENGER: Sure. Where are the tiebacks?
ME: Tiebacks?! Noooo... that goes in HERE!
PASSENGER: Oh. Well, fine, but I don't know how I'll fit in there with all that --
ME: Oh, don't worry. You'll ride in the back. See? I got you a blanket to sit on and another to cover up with in case it snows any harder. OK, Mom?

No. That would definitely NOT go over well...